He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
