Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
