After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
