i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
