That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
