DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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