What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
