the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
