On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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