I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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