i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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