There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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