I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
