So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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