did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Buhtt sex?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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