Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
