Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I want to fling myself into the sun
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
