M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize