party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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