I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
