I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
we're so committed to being not committed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
