i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
