Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
