we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
