We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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