bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i wish my penis had a tongue
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
