Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
