Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize