my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
