i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
