I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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