He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize