im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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