God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You ate ashes out of my bong
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