in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
