Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
