Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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