im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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