D3 body, D1 cock
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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