Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
