You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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