Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
