Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize