we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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