Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i think my cat just said my name.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
