If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
