apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize