So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He shit in the fireplace
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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