you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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