I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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