My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
