i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
