get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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