if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
