Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
