Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize