Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
