my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize