remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
