He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
