This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
