She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
