My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
