A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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