Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
