The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
