i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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