I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
